It's Four O'Clock in The Morning, DAMN IT!

Here I am, nonexistent readers! I, Taylor Wilstein, blogger and night owl, am awake at four a.m. writing this crap and watching Friends reruns. This is how I spend my summer, folks! Don't judge me! So, what went wrong today that left me awake and blogging at four a.m.? Menstrual cramps. (I know, TMI, get over it!) While I am happily no longer cramping, I spent most of my day curled up on my bed, in the dark, poppin' ibuprofen, while Wolverine metaphorically clawed me out from the inside. Now, I'm not sure if you nonexistent readers have ever suffered from "the curse", but if you have, you know that one of the only ways to get rid of the pain, at least temporarily, is to sleep it off. So, after sleeping until one in the afternoon and waking up in throes of pain from the bowels of hell, I took some ibuprofen, drank some water, and ate some peanut butter toast. I felt okay for about twenty minutes before my uterus decided I'd had a little too much fun and needed to suffer some more. Back to bed for me! So, with my cat by my side, I took a cuddly four-hour nap and then got up and ate dinner. I've simply been woozy, lightheaded, and nauseous ever since. But at least the cramps are gone! Long story short, fourteen hours of sleep are not exactly conducive to an early bedtime the next night. So, alas, I feel like I might actually be getting sleepy albeit a bit anemic. Off to bed with me! Goodnight, imaginary readers!

Why My Cat Is Inherently Cooler Than You

A few months ago, my mom brought home a free cat she found on the side of the road somewhere. I'm not much of an animal person, but animals, such as cool-ass cats are not as awful as people. I named my new gray kitten Daria, after my favorite '90's cartoon character and cynical teenage sarcasm muse. I've had many a cat, but Daria is fucking awesome. As I type, she's sitting right next to me, watching as I type all this mundane bullshit. She's made me realize that while humans may be shitheads, cats are good people. They make great companions, easygoing friends, and don't require a whole lot of maintenance or emotional support. Daria doesn't voice her opinions to me. She doesn't seek my attention. She comes and goes as she pleases and only asks that I provide her with a lap to purr on, a little food and water, and a clean litter box. I think people could learn a lot about common decency from my cat, who is now profusely licking my stench off of her fur. If only people were that hygienic. Occasionally, she gets a little pissed off or perhaps she's just curious, and will try to climb on top of me and then scratch me. But, unlike dog bites, cat scratches don't scar me up like a domestic violence victim. I have deeper scars from shaving nicks. I'd honestly like to take my cat with me when I go away to college next year (One more year of high school, one more year of high school...), which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for my school friends and immediate family members.

PMS is REAL, You Idiots!

You know who I'd like to throw down a flight of stairs? These degenerative bullshitters who are running around spreading this misogynistic propaganda that premenstrual syndrome, aka PMS, doesn't exist. That's right, folks! There's no such thing as PMS! It's a myth, a fairytale, a medical unicorn! How fucking convenient! It was perfectly real when it was merely the butt of sexist jokes, but as soon as women actually started seeking treatment for PMS, otherwise known as, speaking up for their reproductive health, it's not real anymore! It's "all in your head." It's "just as an excuse." It's recognition "pathologizes our reproductive systems" and "trivializes our thoughts and feelings". Oh, and above all, it "allows men to believe they are biologically superior". Oh, it's all clear to me now! I have been imagining every single physical, psychological, and emotional symptom that I have evidently not been experiencing every month since I was thirteen. I, like most women, am a lazy masochist who invents ways to make myself suffer as much as possible for ten days each month so I can get away with murder and fit a cultural mold. Thank you for showing me the light. I should have known to take heed to Megan Fox's words of wisdom in the cinematic masterpiece, Jennifer's Body:

"PMS isn't real Needy, it was invented by the boy-run media to make us seem like we're crazy. "

That's it, Megan Fox! You really hit the nail on the head there. Liberate us, Megan! Please continue to help us fight male supremacy by stripping in cheesy Michael Bay action films. Educate me more about how the media is lying to me about my body and convincing me that I have a condition that doesn't really exist. Megan Fox should be cast in more movies that publicly condemn the media and all of its evil lies. Then all will be right with this world. I'd take Megan Fox's gospel over, say, medical dictionaries that define PMS as an actual, physical, officially recognized, medical condition that is experienced by a great number of obviously delusional women. PMS is just an excuse to be a bitch, right? That's why it was "invented" by the media to allow women to be irrational and for men to blame her bad mood on her hormones. Never mind the fact that hormones actually do affect both sexes' behaviors. The only difference is that women's hormonal fluctuations cause them to behave in certain, sometimes undesirable ways, on a monthly schedule that happens to include a few days of bleeding from their genitals. And that does make a difference in how the condition is phrased. It's called "Pre-Menstrual Syndrome" because the symptoms occur in the two weeks prior to menstruation. By definition, a syndrome is simply "a set of symptoms occurring together." That doesn't pathologize anything. PMS is just a collection of shit that happens between ovulation and menstruation. They don't call it "Hormonally induced mood alterations" because (1) PMS actually has physical symptoms in addition to the mental/emotional ones and (2) that terminology isn't specific enough, since both sexes as well as non-menstruating females all experience mood swings due to hormones. PMS isolates the cause, pattern, and possible treatment options for these specific symptoms. The definition and recognition of PMS provides support and a concrete premise for women who either want to seek help for their premenstrual symptoms or at least voice their experiences to share with others. And that's why PMS doesn't trivialize our thoughts and feelings, but rather allows them to be taken seriously, as an actual medical condition, and not just a quiet shameful women's issue. If we want men to take us seriously, we have to be able to speak honestly about our health and well-being, even if it makes men uncomfortable--because that's what talking about reproductive health does. It makes men uncomfortable. If men can convince us that what we're feeling isn't real, that our health doesn't matter, that it's all in our minds, then men have control over us. PMS scares most men shitless as it is, the last thing they want are intelligent, well-informed women talking about it and empowering themselves. By not discussing our reproductive health, women send the message to men that women's health isn't worth talking about. Women's bodies aren't important and they should be able to "control themselves and be pleasant" at all times. If PMS is discredited, then men are allowed to disregard women's health altogether and objectify us as brood mares for the state. After all, as long as we're constantly getting pregnant, we won't reach the premenstrual stage of our cycles, anyway. Our only function will be pregnancy, and then child-rearing, which we will then be enslaved to. Imagine how "biologically superior" men are going to feel when they realize they can just impregnate us whenever the fuck they want and force us to be mothers to their bastard children! If women's health is ignored, men will take back all the careers women have worked so hard to attain, and we will be back in the kitchen, pregnant and oppressed, where we fucking belong.